Timmy comes home with a test marked with an enormous F on the paper. He shows it to his father Garret and he has an exasperated expression on his face, a look of disappointment.
Garret: I feared this day would come. You see, as a family, we have always struggled in the category of Southern Culture. Now we have to send you to Bubba and his family. He has been the teacher for hundreds of years, we can only learn from him, and he’s the 24th Bubba we’ve had to come to for this ongoing problem.
Timmy: Are you saying that spending time with Bubba the 24th is the only way to learn about southern culture?
Garret: Yes, no matter how much you study about southern culture, you can’t understand it; it’s genetic. I’ll call Bubba now.
Timmy: All right, I’ll start packing. Begins to frown and walks off stage
Garret picks up the phone. Begins dialing. Waits for the phone to ring. Bubba walks toward the phone from offstage, picks it up, glances to the left, drops the phone and walks toward the center where there is a sandwich on a table.
Garret: Hello, this is Garret, I called to speak to you about my son Timmy, we are the Brimshwatt family. He failed his exam on southern culture, and he has to be taught from the Bubba family, and obviously you’re Bubba.
Bubba has already eaten half the sandwich, puts it down, and goes the phone right after. He puts it to his ear, and immediately drops the phone and then walks to his table, he then picks up his sandwich and admires it.
Garret: Hello? Hello?… Hello? Bubba? Hangs up and puts the phone down and then sighs
Bubba: Walks back to the phone with the sandwich and a happy face and picks it up Hello? Hello? Damn that pesky weefee (He mean’s Wifi)
Garret: Calls Bubba again Hello? Bubba?
Bubba: Hi I’m Bubba J, state your name, purpose, zip code, address, food storage amount, and how much bacon you have.
Bubba: Interrupts Garret I’m just yanking your chain. Just tell me how much bacon your have.
Garret: That’s really not important right now
Bubba: Excuse me, but bacon is always important!
Garret: Okay then, well, we are from the Brimshwatt family and we need your help for a recurring problem.
Bubba: Interrupts Garret All right, well can you speed this up, I mean I have things to do, a sandwich waiting, Nascar to watch, bacon to eat Rubs his tummy Bacon Face lights up
Garret: Ok, the minimized version is, Timmy needs to stay with you to learn about southern lifestyle, can you teach him what he needs to know during his stay?
Bubba: Still pretty long, but uh, sure. Bring bacon!
Garret: Okay, thank you! Bubba hangs up Let me know when he’s ready to return!
Garret walks off stage to the right. Bubba stays eating his sandwich.
Bubba: Is there something I forgot? Uh um… Hesitates, glances to his left BACON! Runs in that direction
Timmy and Bubba meet at center stage. They share an awkward handshake and Timmy sits down.
Timmy: Hello, I’m Timmy.
Bubba: Hi I’m Bubba J.
Timmy: I’m pretty sure my father told you about this over the phone, so would you be able to teach me about southern culture?
Bubba: So… What ‘d you want?
Timmy: I just told you.
Bubba: Oh yeah, sump’n about chicken and beans. Smiles I like beans
Timmy: Sure, but can you teach me?
Bubba: Sure thing young buckaroo. Let me get my stuff.
Bubba digs into all of his pockets, first pocket he picks into there is nothing second one is a knife, third one is a spoon, and forth is a fork. He pulls them out in that order and places them on the table on front of him.
Timmy: So where do we start?
Bubba: Bacon is good. Fruit is bad. Remember that Points to Timmy
Timmy: Ok, got it.
Bubba: Now your utensils, your spoon and… ugh… Looks at all the utensils stuff. Ya know how to use ‘em?
Timmy: Well of course.
Bubba: Ya never know. Sometimes people mix up a spoon and a knife Chuckles, picks up spoon and calls it a knife. Now this is your knife, you use it to cut things. Like ham, sausage, bacon, eggs, grits, turkey, bacon…
Timmy: You said bacon twice.
Bubba: It’s that important, now don’t interrupt me, you almost made me lose my tractor of thought. Um, fries, beans, butter, ham… and I forgot one. All I need is one, and I’m not leaving here until I remember it. Hmmm hmmm hmmm.
Timmy: Um, salad? Apple? Celery?
Bubba: No no, none of that jibber-jabber doodly-doo squat. Do you not remember the first rule, bacon is good, fruit is bad. Now your spoon, your spoon is for your coffee. And your grits. And your eggs. And your…
Timmy: I get that. Can you teach me about your culture already?
Bubba: Sugar should be put in your coffee.
Timmy: Am I not getting through to you?
Bubba: Sugar tastes good.
Timmy: Oh my goodness, I’m just going to learn somewhere else! I need to think things through. Exits
Bubba: What a lost child. At least I’ve taught him well… PANCAKES! That’s the one I forgot. Exits happily to the opposite direction
Timmy comes back to center stage.
Timmy: Maybe becoming like them will help me learn. If everyone is as dumb as him, it may be the only option I have left. I used to be Timmy, Gets a country accent and takes off his jacket, but now I’m Cletus. Walks off stage
Both Cletus and Bubba enter from opposite sides and meet at the buffet table
Bubba: Hi I’m Bubba J
Cletus: Cletus is me Points to Cletus
Both share an awkward slow handshake.
Bubba: Is that bacon I smell?
Bubba slowly begins to exit.
Cletus: Picks up knife and looks at Bubba confused Slap a rock named Billy, what in tarnation is this?
Bubba: Turns around and stares at the knife, then to Cletus, then back to the knife Don’t tell me you’ve never seen a knife.
Cletus: Stares at the knife for a couple of seconds Knife?
Bubba: That’s a knife. Awkward silence. Takes knife from Cletus Use it to cut things.
Cletus: Cut things? Like… like… Loses focus
Bubba: Taps Cletus Like?
Cletus: Regains focus ham, turkey, sausage? … Butter Smirks
Bubba: If we had some butter Gets sad
Cletus attempts to comfort Bubba by putting his hand on his shoulder, but misses Bubba’s shoulder and lands on him. Bubba picks him up and holds him upright. He then almost falls back, but Bubba catches him. Cletus gasps. Bubba follows after a delay. He then loses his air and breathes out loudly to Cletus. Cletus is repelled by the stench of Bubba’s breath
Cletus: … Or bacon. Face lights up in happiness
Bubba: You should win that prize of Nobel everybody been talking about up north.
Bubba begins to clap, and Cletus begins shortly after getting directly in front of the dining table
Cletus: I would like to thank God, I’d like to thank Nascar. I’d like to thank my fellow farmers back home at Nashville, I’ve been waiting for the moment that I’m finally right for my entire life! Whips out a long rolled paper Baxter, Beasly, Bella, Bell-button, Betty, Bevis, Billy, Billybob, Billybobjoe, Bo, Bob, Bobby, Bubber, Buck, Bud, Buddy, Buford, and ugh… Bubba Gets interrupted by Bubba saying “That’s me” I didn’t say Bubba J… Bubba puts his hand on Cletus’s mouth, and then Timmy takes it off his mouth
Timmy: I can’t do this.
Bubba: What do you mean Scratches butt
Timmy: I can’t be like you, I can’t learn this way.
Bubba: But what about the bacon?
Timmy: That means nothing! It’s just food!
Bubba: Gasps for air You take that back!
Timmy: No! I hate this!
Bubba: Woah woah woah, take it is easy, Bacon is good, fruits are bad!
Timmy: Bubba, I swear to god.
Bubba: Woah woah woah, to bring Jesus into this, or bacon!
Timmy: None of that matters! Nothing you do or will do, will amount to anything and you don’t even care!
Bubba: Shucks, I care about the bacon.
Timmy: I’m done with you Bubba, I don’t understand why my parents would send me here? You’re utterly useless.
Bubba: Hey, I’m perfectly fine! My momma just says I’m special.
Timmy: You’re not special, you’re just a dingus to put in your terms.
Bubba: HEY! YOU’RE GOING A LITTLE BIT FAR DOWN THE GARBAGE SHOOT! Pulls down overalls, picks up fists, and squats continuously as if about to fight
Timmy: Get over yourself.
Bubba: I can’t put my legs over my head.
Timmy: Pushes Bubba into a chair and kneels next to him Do you really want to live like this!
Bubba: I… I…
Timmy: Bubba, seriously, do you want to live like this!
Bubba: I don’t know Timmy, but I think you’re right, It’s all the bacon. But how do I change?
Timmy: Well, first we have to start with the accent.
Timmy: You sound a bit stupid.
Bubba: You take that back!
Bubba: I ain’t gon’ do it!
Timmy: Do it for the bacon!
Bubba: I ain’t gon’ do it While dancing
Timmy: DO IT FOR THE BACON!
Bubba: I ain’t gon’ do it
Timmy: Bubba! Do it now or I’m done trying! I believe in you Bubba
Bubba: Clears throat I can’t do it!
Timmy: You know what, I give up, you can’t do it.
Timmy turns his back and walks away
Bubba: Wait! Timmy! I can do it! Chases after Timmy and grabs him. Australian accent appears Ello’ Mate, Jiminy Crickit here.
Bubba: Clears throat, a really proper White accent Hi, I’m Timmy Brimshwat
Timmy: What in the literal f…
Bubba: Clears throat by interrupting Timmy. Says this quietly Theirs an audience watching us.
Timmy: Oh. Um. What in the literal fudge. I said fudge
Bubba: Clears throat, Mexican accent My name is Manolo
Bubba: Clears throat, really Mexican accent Odale’ pue, me llamos el Baby Jocker
Timmy: What’s wrong with you Bubba!
Bubba: Still with really Mexican accent I’m in a gang Does funny gang signs to seem tough
Timmy: You’re not that tough
Bubba: Clears throat, really Feminine accent My name is Christine, but people call me Commander Bubu
Timmy: First a gang, now a girl. Just do it!
Bubba: Timmy, I can do it. Just give me one more chance. Clears throat, walks to center stags, looks down dramatically, looks up, regular voice My name… Coughs Is… Cooper
Timmy: Gasps YOU DID IT!
Bubba: O’ My God! I did… Thank you Timmy! He picks up Timmy and then hugs him for a long time
Timmy: This is where we stop hugging. They stop and Timmy releases air
Bubba: Thank you so much! Now I’m going to go tell my friends! Runs offstage
Timmy: I’ll miss you Bubba. You lovable doofus!
Timmy runs offstage the opposite way of Bubba
Stranger: Runs in with country accent The nerve of that guy! Walking in all cool with his fancy accent. We definitely taught that guys a lesson or two. Not a math one of course, because everybody knows 1 + 1 = b. We took him to the cornfields and ran him over with Bubba’s Tractor. Speaking of Bubba, he looked kind of like him. If only he would’ve been there. That was great.