You were once the girl of my dreams, but I haven’t been sleeping well. I keep trying to push to a day when I wake up thinking of you in the same light as I always have. When I’m with you I catch a glimpse, but when I’m away my mind traps me.

You’ve provided me so much color but it keeps turning grey. The white picket still exists, but I don’t feel like I live there now. I live in my mind and sometimes it’s a minefield.

It’s hard to give you up because the world can be so cruel. I feel the pain of you facing it alone. Somewhere along the lines I felt like I would resent you more and more as this went on. I end up resenting myself. I kept picking at all the little wounds as I always have. But I will never do that again. 

God this is hard. You are a ray of sunshine like 99% of the time, way too happy for me. Maybe that’s why I always tried to bring you down. I can say big negative words, but you can make me feel their intensity.