My friend Laurencia is not your common, everyday girl. 

When she was two years old, she could drive a car while sitting on her dad’s lap. One time, she had to dodge two cars that started crossing an intersection at the same time she was crossing. That’s about the time when Laurencia became Army Baby (A.B.). Her real story begins here:

It was a cold and breezy night. A.B. was in the car with her dad. His name is Dada, at least that’s what A.B. calls him. She was driving about a mile an hour. And, as usual, she was sitting on Dada’s lap. She saw a gas station nearby and noticed it was part donut shop. Police were there, of course. She decided to go inside and take a look around.

First she got a handgun from Dada’s car and put it in her diaper. Then, she got a bulletproof vest and put it over her shirt. In a deep and mysterious voice, she told Dada “I’m goin’ in.” Dada looked at her with a crazed face. She ignored him and went on with the plan, but the bad part was that she had no plan. When she reached the door, she realized that the police were really enemy spies from the NSA (National Security Agency). She quickly made up her mind, pushed the door in and threw in a grenade. Then, she crawled away as fast as she could.

Seconds later, she heard the explosion. The doors flew open and some of the walls broke. Two NSA agents made it outside. A.B. crawled to the car as fast as she could, but they saw her and went after her. Finally she made it to the car as they started shooting with their twin Thompsons. They missed every shot, because they weren’t used to such a short target. A.B. turned around and drew her weapon with lightning speed. She shot one of the agents, but the other landed prone while he called for reinforcements

All of sudden, dozens of police sirens were heard approaching quickly. A.B. jumped in the car and stepped on the gas. She was going full speed. Then, emerging from the darkness above, there was an enemy helo (helicopter). It started shooting like crazy. She dodged most of the bullets, but some hit. She put the car in auto pilot and searched in the back seat for her sniper (Baby Edition). Finally, she found it under a pile of dirty diapers, but realized she had no ammo, so she gave up on that idea and just started driving again. She moved side to side like a snake to dodge the bullets. She drove for about 15 minutes before she noticed that the helo wasn’t there anymore. Then she noticed that Dada wasn’t there either. “Where did everybody go?” she thought.

The enemy spies started gaining. She tried to lose them in a tunnel, but that didn’t work. Once she went out of the tunnel, she looked to the right and saw Mario jumping in and out of pipes. After about 2 minutes, another pipe popped up and Mario didn’t come out of it. Then she looked to the left and saw Luigi on Yoshi running. They kept running for about five minutes and then Yoshi got really tired, so Luigi started running by himself. All of a sudden a bomb-bomb appeared and pwned Luigi. Then a huge pipe appeared and A.B. went through it. 5 seconds later she was in the Mushroom Kingdom. 

She looked back and saw that the spies had disappeared. She was so relieved. She stopped the car, got out, and yelled “Yes!” But then she noticed that she didn’t know how to get out of there. Time passed. She saw Toad nearby and asked for directions, but unfortunately Toad was lost too. She told him that she had seen Mario and Luigi up in the human world, and Toad said that they were probably trying to get back to the Mushroom Kingdom. 

While they talked and walked a bit, Toad found a map. He thought it was a map to Princess Peach’s castle, so they decided to follow it. After a while, A.B. took a look at the map and realized that the map actually said how to get to Bowser’s castle instead of Princess Peach’s castle. But it was too late, Bowser had already seen them and had sent out Koopas to kidnap them. 

Toad and A.B. started running. A.B. saw a block up ahead. Once she reached it she hit the block and a shell came out of it. She jumped and got it. She put it on and started sliding. Luckily Toad got the ice power and started shooting ice balls at the Koopas. There were about 100 Koopas left after the ice ball massacre. Luckily a Bom-Bom pwned about 25 of them.

Just when they thought they weren’t going to make it, they saw A.B.’s car. They ran inside and went full speed away from the Koopas. After about 2 minutes of being chased, Toad yelled “turn right on the next northeast road!” “Why?” she asked. Toad answered “if I’m right, the next northeast road is the one with many intersections.” But he was wrong, it was an old and deserted road with nobody there but the wind pushing the gray and brown tumbling hay, quietly down the open road. They passed by at the speed of lightning (literally). 

Papers flew everywhere, the tumbling hay jumped up in the air, and fire was left behind their trail. A.B. tried to stop the car, but the brakes didn’t work. Out of nowhere A.B. said “I got an idea.” Immediately after that she went to her right (where the car case is) she searched underneath the papers for the Flux Capacitor. “I found it!” she yelled. “What? What?” he questioned her with emphasis. “The Flux Capacitor, I found it!” she yelled again with excitement. “Oh, like the one in the movies” “What are you talking about?” “Back To The Future, the movie, the one with Mario J. Fox, it has 3 parts, the first one is when Mario goes back in time and…” “I don’t need to know, just help me connect it to the car or were gonna’ be shish-kabob.” She interrupted. 

5 minutes passed. They seemed like 1 hour to her. Finally it was connected. They started going faster and faster till they reached 150 miles per hour. At about 85 miles per hour, a guy jumped in the way at the wrong time. All of a sudden Thump! “What was that?” Toad asked. “Nothing” A.B. said. In A.B’s head she was picturing how happy the guy must have been before she just hit him with her car. “Mama-mia,” she said to herself. Just as they reached 100 miles per hour Toad saw a building up front.

“Slow down there’s a BASE! up front. You’re gonna’ hit it!” Toad yelled. As soon as she heard the word BASE, she opened a car case, and in that case was a tiny case with a small red button. She clicked it. All of a sudden gigantic rockets were appearing and blasting off. “What The F***!” Toad yelled. “Why in the freaking world would you send out rockets to a base that you don’t know of?!!” He yelled again. “Cause’ it’s an enemy base you idiot.” A.B. said. “What The hel…” “Shut up already, Toad.” She interrupted. “They’re from the NSA.” “What’s the…. ““We don’t have time so just….so just…just trust me.” A.B. interrupted.

Once they reached 150 miles per hour, thunder appeared and teleported them into the future, while leaving a fire trail to nowhere. They appeared in the Atari game system against these lame officers. Toad and A.B. were crouched behind a desk tying to think of a way out of here. “I got it!” Toad whispered loudly. “What?” she asked. “All we need to do is make whoever is playing the game, stop.” He said. “Great idea.”  A.B. said. They came out from cover and began to stand around to make the kids bored. It worked and after a while the kids shut the system down, and they appeared outside of the game. They started to casually walk out of the house. They then realized, that now they were in the Nova Six gas testifying facility. 

A.B. yelled “For the doors!” and she dived to cover, but Toad didn’t seem to understand. That was the last time she ever saw Toad again. She kept running despite the tears dripping down her face. She ran out the doors and saw 5 cars racing each other, and there was an extra car in the lot. It was a Dune Buggy, which didn’t help very much. She then broke in through the window and hotwired it to start. She backed out of the lot and into the driveway. She jumped and put all her weight on the gas and went full speed. (Which kind of means she’s a pretty fat baby). She was lucky that the car had Nitro. She kept her body on the gas for about 20 minutes, until she reached a very solemn kind-of peaceful forest.